so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis
i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.
Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.
ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.
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He just bought a 100-pack of condoms of Amazon. My vagina is already tired.
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
Witnessing a crazy lady on the bus screaming about how romney is one of the four horsemen of the apocalypse.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Don't be the guy that has his dick out at work.
I should get an "I gave blood today" type of sticker, but instead it would say "I went balls deep today"
I want to die, ON THAT, with that INSIDE ME. ironically, I sense that would be the only time I'd feel alive.
It's not even 7 yet. She's singing you are my sunshine to the smirnoff bottle.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
A reminder in my phone just went off saying, "Fuck.On.Roof- the Great Bambino". This makes me excited and slightly nervous.
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