I need a leather bustier to keep them in.
Too kinky for 11:30am. Stop that.
dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning
So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
at least if we puke, we will be surrounded by beautiful, non-judgemental trees.
This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Randomize
