im having a threesome with these popsicles
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
I literally just watched a girl motorboat herself
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
i'm drunk and confused. there might be a 4 year old here.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Somehow I've got the party rigged to where I get a foot massage every time someone wants a beer out of the fridge. Hellz yeah
I can't go to class, I have all this weed to sell
I think I blacked out after I decided drinking alone on the trailered jetskis was a good idea
This time last year I was crying in a church parking lot without shoes or a bra, so the years can only go up from here
I just gave him road head. He came in the Taco Bell drive thru which seems pretty typical for my life.
I found a bar with Metallica and a fire eater. I'm home
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