Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
You didn't say, "No." And you stole more than half of my Snickers. You owed me that dick.
Took his shirt off. Announced he was Jesus. Threw up. Asked me to cuddle him to sleep. And then tried to kiss me. Typical Saturday night.
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
Woke up with a grilled cheese in my hand, it was like god giving me a high five for the night before
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