we have pet lesbian snakes
You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
I used to not like fucking fat girls but with her gut clapping against her boobs, its like a standing ovation ever time.
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
I'm just now starting to feel better... I remembered sleeping on the floor. I was peeing and saw his rug and it looked so comfy
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
So you can now add nose to my list of places that cum has gone that it shouldn't...
If we both don't have awesome filthy sexual experiences to share in the morning...we are no longer best friends.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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