You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
My 7 yo sister is trying to talk my mom into buying her a strawberry margarita. Happy Cinco de Mayo.
i turned around and there he was, right in my face. i was mid deep throat of a hot dog that i was eating with my hands and no bun. you win FSU, you win.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Randomize
