I have a new suitor he got my # last nite... I was to tipsy to function! What was I thinking!! It's like u when u first met me
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Honestly you'd think more guys would be happy to date a cute female dealer, but apparently something about safety or whatever
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
Socially acceptable to sleep in a booth in the library? Its not finals but I dunno if I can make it back to south. Too drunk.
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
Randomize
