he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
Um don't talk to me about fat. I just used my chip bag to cover up all my candy wrappers in the garbage.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
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This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Hes stumbling drunkenly around the streets of New York with a balloon vagina on his head. I'd say hes having a good night.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
Just cleaned someone else's sperm off of my bedroom wall. Never throwing a house party again.
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If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
Although now I have "number of cheese slices" as a unit of boob measurement in my head.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
Typical. We're ready to go, and you're not wearing pants.
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