how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
you really are a gigantic fucking slut.
sidenote: just remembered sarcasm does not translate through text
it's probably a bad thing that i wasn't even offended, huh?
New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Florida has a way of just fucking with a person's soul and jizzing all over their hopes and dreams. Like existential bukkake.
Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
I mean metaphorically speaking, maybe we've all fucked on top of a frat house at some point in our lives
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
he stopped mid makeout and said "can I pray for you?"
Just remember, the Browns have more wins than Ronda Rousey this year.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Alcohol and I aren't friends right now.
Randomize
