So im pretty sure the object of my emotional onterest is tired of playing with me....
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
After last night, I've decided I will now bang only men who professionally ride things for a living. I will accept jockeys, cowboys, bullriders, and pro bicyclists who lie and say they're bullriders.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
It's been over a year since we've been get-so-drunk-you-throw-beer-cans-at-fat-girls-drunk together. That needs to change.
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
Taking a shit in a Texas 7/11... not accepting phone calls now lol
I'm on a party bus with a stripper pole with middle aged women who have all started drinking
God bless your soul.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
Randomize
