oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Only I could get hit on by homophobic straight guys in a drag bar.
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Certain restrictions may apply. Common side effects of sex with me include unbridled joy, a healthy glow, soreness and the inability to walk for short to long amounts of time. If any of these side effects occur please consult your physician, so he/she can prescribe me a "high-five".
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
