i just posted a lake picture of you with a dead fish in your mouth. happy july 5th.
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
i just practiced my bj skills on a banana in front of the mirror
its going to be a good night
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.
I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.
Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?
No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
WE'RE NOT MAKING A DICK PIZZA OKAY
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
i love it when bitches who pick on you in high school get fat. thank you facebook you have made my day.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
