There were 3 chicks in my bed I didn't know when I got home. Now I know all of them. Biblically.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?
He told me to fart on his lap because the vibrations turned him on
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.
Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now
Ps I am
Gold rum. Strong marijuana. Jabba the Hut in stilettos. Deep thigh bruise. Yes, thal all happened. Sorry dude.
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
this night may include but is not limited to : police encounters, wild animals, stomach pumping, and waking up in a field
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
I wanna fuck that hideous moustache right off your face. get the confetti ready for the festivities
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
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