Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I think the guy in front of me just puked in a styrofoam cup.
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
These are the last few fleeting sober moments of the day for me. If there is anything you need me to do today, please tell me now
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
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