So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Next time she asks for a ride to her "cousins" house and it turns out to be a booty call we're charging her for each mile.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
Stupid adulating
Yeah it sucks, but at least I can buy wine so it all comes out in the wash
Yeah, but i got vodka and bacon out of it, so it's fine.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Randomize
