If I would have known that wiping my dick on her pillow would have caused her to leave........
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
Kegstand on crutches, you need to get on my level.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Tell me why i'm looking through my medical records and the last thing it said about my labor was 'vagina was explored'!?
bitch, i have a flask. i've got things under control.
god. marry me.
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