Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THIS MOTHERFUCKING ROOSTER
IT KEEPS CHASING ME BACK IN THE HOUSE
FUCK THIS BIRD
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
