I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
If my nicknames are based on what I throw up, you can call me Jimmy Johns
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
I'm starting to think The only feelings I have anymore are drunk and hung over
you can't hurt those
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Wondering when "babysitting" formed into "sleeping on the couch for five hours nursing a hangover and giving the kids Nyquil."
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Ick. That's not even the fun kind of punishment.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
