So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
why doesnt he love me? i have tried everything. i even sang to him after sex.
you have got to be kidding?
why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.
it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
Randomize
