he texted me telling him i gave him the clap. but i think he gave it to me and i gave it back to him
my dad told me i had to spend my money wisely..so i spent the money he gave me for a desk chair on weed. ill be so high i wont even notice its gone
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
She walked home carrying a six pack of beer and someone elses cat
SHE BETTER HAVE BROUGHT BACK MY FUCKING COUCH CUSIONS OR SHES GUNNA GET IT.
You tripped over nothing.. everyone stopped what they were doing and stared..you stood up and yelled "you win this time gravity"..then started chugging someone's drink
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
If you can't trust the person at the taco cabana drive thru, who can you trust?!
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
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