I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
I gave up sex for lent.
I guess that means I'm postponing our date until after Easter.
This is going to be another afternoon spent getting drunk in the shower, isn't it?
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
my boss just offered me his leftover salvia im not sure if it was a trick question
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Discovery: bouncers seem to get really upset about fire
Thank god for federal credentials. Waaaaayyyy to hungover to go through airport security lines right now.
He's saved in my phone as 'MURICA. I think it's safe to say I'm not exactly taking him seriously.
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
