I understand how i shit in my shoes, but explain why you were wearing them.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
If they made snuggies with a sleeve for my morning wood, id consider buying one...
Pretty sure I just slept with Elmo.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
Have you ever tried running while drinking 151?
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Drinking a pint every 8 mins right now. Power hour aint shit.
Good luck
Trying doe a second hour and I.cant open my eyes
I look like i have multiple stab wounds in my foot and there are footprints from the elevator to my room. What happened?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
O was like, nah, fuck 50-50. My version of bi is that i'm 80% gay, 20% drug-addled decisions. Apparently he's straight on hallucinogens.
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
Randomize
