if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
she was so ugly that the sight of her made me shiver and then i had to play it off like a draft blew by that only i felt.
She offered to make me a fruit roll up salad for breakfast...I'm not sure if that's the coolest or weirdest thing ever...
Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
Hey, if I'm gonna bastard a child and ruin his life, I'm going balls out.
He sat down, pointed at my Converse and said "I have the same shoes." I thought "I'm going to have sex with you by the end of the night."
It's always great when the guy I get pills from sends me an email that says "I know you will get clean it's going to be hard but I know you can do it"
When I type "sleep" my phone suggests "with Trevor". My phones an asshole.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
Randomize
