I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
the kid throwing up and laying face down on the deck just asked ME if I'M okay...
I didn't want to have to tell you this, violating our brother/sister code not to discuss these things but: for the love of christ stop inviting that 21 year old idiot I slept with for six months to EVERY PARTY WE THROW.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
So as I left the Australian's hotel room, I said "Welcome to America. You're going to do just fine here."
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
I have never thoroughly inspected the geometry of my nipples until now. How do I fix this?
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Randomize
