So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
I'm always impressed by your drunken ability to quickly gauge how long it's been since you've shaved and whether or not your prospective hook up will care.
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend
Just got a Snapchat of his dick with the caption 'We miss you.'
That's true love, there.
i passed out twice in the shower, twice on the bathroom floor, once holding the toilet bowl and 8 times moving from the bathroom to my bed. Tequila sucks.
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I bought a vibrating wall dildo with my tax return. You?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
GUESS WHOSE BEST FRIEND IS OUT OF PRISON!
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
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