Fyi mom and I voted and you're the DD tonight, congratulations
the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..
Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.
Hospital.
I am invincible.
i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
You tried to get the Waffle House waitress to put a candle in your cheesy hash browns.
I was weirded out when the chunky goth girl and her boyfriend both started eyeing me and wanted to by me a drink.
Im going to hell I gave him a handjob on the plane next, to an old guy playing video games on his iPad, on good friday.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
i just woke up from a 4 hour nap, still drunk, to make mac n cheese.
Randomize
