He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
No foreplay. Missionary. Too quick. And he owns a fedora.
I almost fell asleep reading that.
I almost fell asleep fucking it.
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
