I just hatefucked a Bush administration appointee. Now having celebratory mimosas.
its been so long since i'vebeen laid i've forgotten what a penis looks like. When a guy makes me hot i picture him finishing the job by whipping a multi-setting showerhead out of his pants.
i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?
Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
Randomize
