i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
Decided to go explore a half built apartment complex at 4 a.m and leave a 3 block obstacle course in the alley ways on the way home.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Everything I own smells like cigarettes and victory right now. The smell is never coming out.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
i think i just naturally attract stoners
Randomize
