All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
It was just so hard to get through Conan without crying like a baby. I'm just so proud of him.
I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf
so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
How much morphine is too much? Keep in mind that I'm going to my graduation dinner with my parents.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Waking up with cheese all over my clothes and my vibrator in my pants is a sign we drank way too much tequila last night
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
Shelly has the weirdest luck. Dude offered her a job riding a bucking bronco and it was not porn or stripping but an actual g-d cow.
Randomize
