the non-midget kid sent 8,000 texts in a month. the midget parents are pissed. THIS IS EPIC WHEN YOUR HIGH.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I used to practice getting hit by cars.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you
Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
I told him I had the birth control implant in my arm and he looked me in the eyes, said "Science!" and came in me
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
we decided to take the jello everclear shot at the party...didnt think it tasted any different....o dear god...the regret..
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
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