hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?
The professor just announced to the class that I talked to him in the bar on my birthday.
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Joe decreed the livingroom and the hallway up to the burn mark his kingdom. I think this is the point of 'stage an intervention'
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.
They're mostly guys
Early bird gets the worm.
this probably sounds so sketchy, but hes going to jail in a month so he needs a place to crash for now. Hes sick though, and hes paying half our rent
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
