We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I have carpet burn on my ass, I'm rethinking my decisions last night.
my girlfriend just informed me I need to get tested and so do you
girlfriend?
You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
why did you let me tell everyone that you can get herpes from the ice luge and then let me do the ice luge?
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
You fucked him. I baby bird fed him whiskey . I feel like we've bonded.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Randomize
