Text me right after you finish, I want to know how the ghetto fleshlight worked out
How about I just call you while I'm doing it so you can hear my reaction?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
you don't remember? you called me at 330 crying because you were in the middle of having sex with corey and forgot his name. all you kept saying was i'm a drunk bitch.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
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