she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..
you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.
nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking
All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Then he claimed me as his prize for 3rd place in a wing eating contest. Too romantic.
I've come to the conclusion that Jesus and 2013 are haters.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I just feel like I'm worth a little bit more than your recycled nudes...
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
Hey! you should come over!
Who is this? The number is saved as "Sexy Awesome"
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
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