I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
I hate ducks.
What?
they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.
I've slept with so many tools that you'd think my pussy was Home Depot.
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
He's sending me pics of Yellowstone scenery...the only thing I can think is "I would have sex next to that waterfall"
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
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