I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
It was one of those "wake up holding a random metal flower" kind of nights.
We have a little not a lot. We already rolled a blunt and named him Ron.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
There's nothing quite like having a little 8 year old boy hand me a Bible on campus while I'm on my way to the health center because of my recent slutty tendencies.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I was gonna jerk off, but then I thought about that movie last night and it killed that idea. I have serious boner trauma.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
