you were crying and the really sympathetic homeless man offered you a sip of his whiskey. who was i to stop you?
My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I came downstairs to find I had missed the 3some on my kitchen floor but not the pukefest or ER trip after it. This is what happens when the voice of reason is otherwise occupied
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
Yeah we invited her back for chicken nugget sandwiches
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
You could cut the tension with my nipples.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
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