i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
I tried giving you a bj last night and all you could manage was "Haha that tickles" and "in the morning"
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
I just bared my soul to you and you fell asleep. Or you're fucking your boyfriend. Either way, not cool. fuck.
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Besides, I don't need any more men there who have seen my tits. #bearwatch2014
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I swear I was in Legend of Zelda Twilight Princess and American Ninja Warrior at the same time. I'm never getting high while rock climbing again.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
