We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I know I'm going to throw up tonight it's just a matter of when and where
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
He just showed up at my house with a giant box of Trojans and a 6-pack of Yoohoo "for a special treat afterwards". I'm in love.
APPARENTLY I MISSED SOMEONE SWALLOWING A WHOLE BAG OF METH WHILE I WAS ON BREAK.
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
