White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
you got so mad from losing a game of beerpong that you went into another room by yourself and practiced for an hour and a half.
Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
And my parents said I crawled through the house
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
