Someone left a shot of disaronno in a champagne glass here this morning... flip a coin?
i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
Woke up this morning buried in a mountain of chex mix and bubble wrap. We must have been doing something great last night
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I think we need to stage a munchie intervention for Ben. I just watched him use a tortilla as a potholder to dump water out of his ramen.
i asked my neighbor to open a bottle of vodka once and then we slept together
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I will consider today a failure if my nipple isn't bitten at least 😂
Oh is THAT how we're gonna play mini golf
How was your day?
Peaceful. I left the house to get paid and get fried chicken.
Randomize
