i would punch a child for taco bell
dude chill. it wont be anything like your seventh grade birthday party.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
Worst part of St. Paddy's...me drunkenly crying to a U2 cover band.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"
Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
And then he told me he just wanted me to hold his cock while we watched tv...
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
If he tries to stick his thumb up my butt again im going to rip his dick off with my vagina
I told you those kegels would come in handy one day
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
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