made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i told him to take shots to cure a hangover and he told me i was "walking the steppingstones to alcoholism"
I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.
WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!
THEY HAVE A VOMIT TROUGH.
What?
A TROUGH FOR VOMIT.
He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
I had a dream last night where I used the marginal product rule to figure out how much more hangover I got per sip of four loko, econ is taking over my life...
Well I can't go home with anyone tonight bc I stuffed my bra
Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call
Walked into a bathroom stall to pop an addy for my three back-to-back finals today. Felt like Clark Kent walking into a phonebooth.
I'm not gonna swipe right, he has better hair than me. Just no.
You just wait. When you see me foam roll naked, you're going to lose your mind.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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