I just pulled a handful of rice out of my pocket.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.
Zach is always passed out on the floor somewhere.face down in a puddle of his own absurdity
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We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
Goddamn it Peter ur the only person i know who can make going down on a girl a competition.
She won. Twice.
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Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Is her dick bigger than yours?
I swear to go if the response she sends me something along the lines of who the fuck is Mark Hamill I might need to brake up with her.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
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