I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
Just look for the house with the beer knights.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I don't know. I just have an affinity for nudity when I'm drunk.
How the hell am I supposed to tell that to a group of eight year olds?! It was three in the afternoon for fucks sake!
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
He's at Disney with 4 kids and I'm drinking wine from the bottle in bed at 2:45pm. Does it sound like we're compatible??
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
