I cannot find my penis.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
there may have been a blood oath never to speak of it again...only reason i can think of as to why there was a 1 inch bloody cut on my right boob
Have a booty call at 3am, stopped for tacos at 2:30. It's 2:55 and I still haven't ordered but can't jump the curb to get out of line because there is a cop in front of me. What am I doing with my life?
...and with one comment dissing Hannibal Lecter, I suddenly understood why we never worked out.
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
Randomize
