dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT
I found him in his pink and white boxer out side the dorm hall and the only thing he said was "it wouldn't let me in"
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
I know you just got dumped by your gf but believe there is still good in the world. I just smoked a joint and took a fucking unbelievable poop. Give me a call tomorrow.
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
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