You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
Eating chips and sending nudes. This is my life.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You know shit got weird when you watched another guy shove drugs up your wife's ass and it wasn't awkward for any of us....
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
Tomorrow night, I am putting you In my trunk. No excuses we have waited forever for this.
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Randomize
