OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
we're at the bar and some girl dropped a bottle of burnettes strawberry vodka out of her purse and it broke.
i mean, if that's not class, then i don't know what is
Im in the beachers at wrigley listening to four lesbians debate the pros and cons of 2girls1cup. Success.
and he says: but we did find out that your ovaries have never released eggs. first thing out of my mouth: so i didnt really need to take the morning after pill so many times in college?
not the response he usually gets im sure.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
Dude you came into the room last night soak and wet and told me you just took a shit in the shower
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
Randomize
