Its like common courtesy of dating, the guy pays for the weed, just like dinner
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
He was trying to be aggressive in bed, but in reality, it was like watching a declawed cat try to climb a curtain. They WANT it, they just can't DO it.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Only sluts go out in this weather carpe diem boys
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
At first I was horrified but then he explained that he shave a "soul patch" on his balls... And I was still horrified, but I went with it.
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
I just got yelled at by a stripper for being a tease.
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