just took a shot of grandma at the fucking bowling alley... this is going to be interesting
its good she wears the same dress to all the weddings so we can track how fat she's really gotten
so glad i banged her when she was skinny
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
Talked to Nate, told him he was a douche. Will give details when sober. It's ok. You're my best friend together a wolf pack. Olive juice.
I got drunk by myself and ended up listening to Beethoven in the dark.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
See that doesn't work because we've had sex so its awkward for you to call me mom
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
After 25 beers and 3 shots my best friend thought it would be an amazing idea to get his dick pierced. We are on our way.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
your fucking longboard fell on me while we were having sex you fucking hipster
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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